“Living with others is never easy, even with people who speak our language and come from our background. Members of a family or group can differ in gender, age, personality, expectations, and preferences. No family or friendship relationship can be taken for granted forever unless it is carefully and intelligently built, developed, and nurtured.
Cultures add yet another, more subtle dimension of difference.
While other differences—primarily those of gender, age, or family roles—are readily apparent, cultural differences are often hidden: they belong to what we at AFS call the submerged part of the iceberg.
They are hidden not only from others but also from ourselves, in that most of us are unaware of our cultural limitations and tend to identify our behavior as ‘normal’ and ‘universal.’” Anyone who behaves differently is considered “strange” and is viewed with a degree of suspicion.
AFS challenges people in this area by introducing a young person into a family who is different not only in visible ways (language, education, tastes, habits), but also in invisible ways: their values, worldview, relationships.
The people AFS brings together—a host family and an international student—learn to appreciate each other’s different personalities and distinct cultural backgrounds, slowly and almost by accident—often through trial and error.
The lines between nature and culture are often blurred, and it takes time and patience to discover what is inherent to a person’s nature and makes them different from others, and what reflects a different cultural tradition: to understand an individual as a person on the one hand and as a bearer of a different culture on the other.
This process is even more complex today, as young people around the world tend to dress similarly, listen to the same music, and have similar lifestyles. Digging beneath the surface of these superficial similarities is yet another challenge. However, the reward for embarking on the path of discovering others—which ultimately leads to a deeper self-discovery—is a joy that is well worth the effort.
This handbook offers several practical tips that will make the journey more enjoyable for everyone and will guide and structure the learning that can emerge from an intercultural encounter. I congratulate AFS Interculture France on this endeavor and wish all readers a Bon Voyage!
Roberto Ruffino
Secretary General, AFS Intercultura Italia
Founder of EFIL – European Federation for Intercultural Learning
Start your onboarding experience off on the right foot
When guests ring our doorbell, we greet them enthusiastically to show how happy we are to have them. However, for the visiting students, the first few moments might be a little awkward, as they are unfamiliar with our greetings and are tired from their long journey.
If your student doesn’t respond much to your warm welcome, don’t be upset! They are probably confused and tired. Accept this, relax, and focus on the following:
- The student likely needs rest.
- You will need to provide a brief orientation upon their arrival (see topics to cover below).
- Make sure the student knows you are available to help and answer any questions.
- Remember to reassure your student that it’s okay to make mistakes.
Topics to discuss upon arrival
Some conversations may seem awkward, but they’ll save you from potentially much more embarrassing situations later!
Remember: just because we’ve discussed something doesn’t mean it’s understood! Sometimes, behaviors that are natural in our culture, like reflexes, will elicit unusual reactions from the young person. Pay attention to communication problems and address them if you sense the young person is confused.
Message to biological parents
It is important that students contact their biological parents as soon as possible to reassure them about their arrival at your home. This also helps to calm the student’s anxieties and provides a good opportunity for you to introduce yourself to their parents.
Jet lag and health
Flights, layovers, jet lag, changes in climate, food, and water all have a real impact on a young person’s physical condition. It’s normal for them to have low energy levels for the first few days and for their sleep patterns to be irregular.
- Encourage them to rest and sleep as much as they need.
- Ask them if they’re feeling well and if they need to take any medication.
- For girls, they may need help buying sanitary products but be too shy to talk about it.
- Keep some on hand and explain to your child how to dispose of them, as customs vary from country to country.
- There may also be delays in their menstrual cycle. Reassure them; this is normal.
Silence and conversations
North Americans tend to talk more when they’re with strangers, sometimes to mask their discomfort. The better we know someone, the more comfortable we become with moments of silence. So, when the student arrives at your home, you’ll likely fill those awkward silences by talking constantly. Keep in mind that, depending on their cultural background, the student may be used to the opposite—for strangers to speak very little at first. Be aware of this so you don’t jump to conclusions or take offense at the young person’s quiet behavior.
Personal space, privacy and private property
Be clear with your student about what is understood in your culture regarding privacy and private property, as these concepts vary from one culture to another. Perhaps in their culture, it’s considered normal to enter a sibling’s room without warning, or to use a computer without asking permission: you might feel offended, while they won’t understand what they’ve done wrong! It’s therefore best to discuss this from the outset.
The tour of the house
When you’re giving a tour of the house, you can take the opportunity to explain how the appliances work that are different for the young person (showers, toilets, washing machine, etc.). However, be tactful! To avoid offending the young person by explaining things they already know very well, it’s best to ask them to describe what’s different in their home when you enter, for example, the bathroom. This way, you’ll know what to explain.
The room
To help the student feel at home, it is advisable to provide them with a small welcome box on their bedside table containing a directory of important numbers, a house key, a small card (like a business card) with the address and telephone numbers of the family and perhaps even a short message wishing them a pleasant arrival at your home.
Decide on the names
It is often difficult for the participant being hosted to decide how to address their host parents. Discuss this with them, taking care not to give the impression that you want them to immediately adapt to your other children. They may not feel comfortable calling you “Dad” and “Mom.”
Domestic animals
The way animals are perceived can differ from country to country, so your child may not be used to living with an animal. Explain how you treat pets and give them time to adjust.
Topics to be addressed after the student has settled in
Personal hygiene
In some hot countries, it’s normal to shower two or three times a day. Other students don’t use deodorant, or conversely, wear much more perfume than Canadian students. Each culture defines what is “clean” in its own way. In any case, there are surely “hidden” odors in your home—odors that go unnoticed by you but will be bothersome for the student. If they have hygiene habits that could hinder their integration, you can discuss this with them, taking care to be very tactful.
Linguistic fatigue
Even if the participant has studied French for several years at school, having to communicate in that language at all times quickly becomes exhausting. Help them by putting small labels on the different objects they use at home; this can be an interesting activity for your children. Also, don’t systematically correct their mistakes during the first few weeks: focus only on those that could get them into trouble or make them the butt of a joke. When you’re not sure they’ve understood correctly (young people often nod their heads instead of admitting they don’t understand), ask them to rephrase what you said. Finally, the immersion student sometimes needs a break from the host language: it’s possible, and sometimes even desirable, for the young person to be able to speak in their native language when they meet another member of their culture or someone who speaks their language: don’t prevent them from doing so at all costs!
Mealtime
Everyone has different tastes! Remember that it takes children years to develop certain food preferences, so it’s normal for a young person not to seem to like everything you prepare. Don’t take this as a lack of manners, but also don’t prepare special meals for them unless they have specific religious restrictions, which must be respected. Also, when passing dishes around the table, it’s best not to start with the fasting portion so they can see how much of each dish others are serving and how they’re eating it. What seems obvious to us isn’t necessarily obvious to them!
Security
Taking care not to frighten the young person, discuss safety rules in your community, the importance of locking doors, emergency exits or the location of the fire extinguisher in case of fire, emergency phone numbers, etc.
Tour of the town
During the first few weeks, introduce your child to important places in your community: bank, pharmacy, post office, shopping center, convenience store, school… But it’s not recommended to do everything in one day! Limit yourself to one or two new places per day. Don’t forget to explain how to take the bus, train, or subway in your area: will they have to pay cash or buy tickets in advance? Where will they have to wait? How can they get a timetable?
Money matters
Canadian currency will be completely new to the young person: show them how to recognize the different bills and coins and explain their value by comparing them to things they regularly bought in their home country. Many foreigners are also surprised by the taxes they have to pay and don’t know that it’s customary to leave an extra tip in restaurants. They might even think that merchants are taking advantage of their lack of knowledge! Explain to them what is normal in Canada in this regard.
Integration into school
For their first day at school, try to find another young person their age at the same school who can act as a guide and help them settle in. It’s already very stressful for a teenager to start a new school; imagine how much more stressful it is when they don’t speak the language, don’t know the culture, and don’t understand the school system!
Some practical tips
Don’t try to change it
The AFS student becomes a full-fledged member of the family, adopting its main customs. However, this doesn’t mean trying to mold them into a perfect little Tremblay or a perfect Beauceron! We don’t welcome a student to change them, but as the year progresses, they naturally become more influenced by their host family and host country.
Like a member of the family
This adjustment is easier for the student if they feel that their host family is interested in them, their culture, and their country of origin, and if they show them as much affection, attention, and understanding as they do the other children in the household. Just as with your own children, you can offer them certain guidelines: thanking specific people, honoring certain commitments, sharing household chores to help them feel like they are part of the family, and so on.
Adapt the rules
You must also be prepared to relax the house rules to adapt them to your student’s maturity. Host parents must make decisions based on their understanding of the situation and the maturity of their child. The child must be mindful of their host parents’ willingness to take certain risks but not others. If you have younger children, don’t treat them exactly like them: parents who haven’t yet had a teenager sometimes forget this! You must also adapt to this particular situation: they are in France for only one year. While your own children have several years ahead of them to pursue certain goals, they only have one!
Communication
It is very important to keep communication open, not to let misunderstandings or frustrations linger, to spend time with your student (talking, listening, explaining, doing activities).
Detect family tensions
You must also remain attentive to the needs of your own children and their own experiences while hosting. If there are misunderstandings or tensions, give them the opportunity to talk to you about them, to discuss them openly with the person involved.
Give importance to school
Your student attends school; it is up to you to help them take their academic commitments seriously: attending school regularly, justifying absences, taking exams, etc. If there are any difficulties, take the time to discuss them with your child and then, if necessary, with their teachers or academic advisor.
Clothing tastes
Students have the right to their own clothing preferences. Parents don’t need to try to change them, but their advice can be helpful for facing the rigors of winter and for better integrating into their new community.
The foster family experience
So far, we’ve mostly talked about the effects of the student exchange on the young person… But what about the host family? Even if you stay in your community throughout the entire experience, you’re not immune to culture shock caused by the curious gaze of a foreigner on your way of life. You will most likely go through periods of questioning your own culture: we call this experience “retrograde.”
Retrograde: A condition that varies in intensity, from mild to moderate, where a family’s routines, harmony, perceptions, and beliefs are temporarily disrupted.
Symptoms: Irritability, discouragement, and loss of objectivity
Triggering moment: Early in the hosting experience, can last up to a few months, depending on everyone’s efforts to address the situation.
Remedy: Know that this is a perfectly normal phenomenon and face the situation by being as informed and prepared as possible.
The Ice Palace
Teenagers already tend to reflect a less than flattering image of ourselves back to us. Indeed, they quickly detect contradictions in their parents’ words and, filled with an idealism yet untested by life’s moral ambiguities, they highlight what they consider to be “hypocritical” behavior. For example, they might ask:
- Why do you say that drugs are worse than cigarettes or alcohol? Nicotine and caffeine are more harmful and addictive than marijuana!
- Why do you go to the gym if you drive to the convenience store?
Teenagers naturally force their parents to question themselves. Therefore, when dealing with a foreign teenager, you risk being challenged not only on the contradictions in your lifestyle but also on your cultural differences. These can be particularly difficult to hear since they touch on beliefs and values that we have taken for granted since childhood.
The loss of cultural innocence...
When we are shown that some of the values we believed to be fundamental or universal are probably just cultural particularities, it can be a bitter pill to swallow! The result is an awareness of the true meaning of what we consider right or wrong and of the relativity of these concepts when we cross cultural boundaries. Our principles, which were once so solid, suddenly seem less convincing. Those who were particularly rigid to begin with may even experience anxiety when the pillars of their beliefs are shaken… But if we take the time to understand what is happening and manage to develop a certain ideological flexibility, the effects of this wake-up call will be positive.
The beneficial effects of retro-shock therapy on the foster family
- An awareness of one’s own cultural frameworks, which condition and influence the perception of events and how we react to them;
- A heightened sensitivity to the idea that all lifestyles can be valid when placed within their cultural context;
- Greater flexibility and tolerance in the face of the ambiguity of certain intercultural issues.
These are all steps toward a more ethno-relativistic perspective, which, in the medium to long term, promises greater competence in intercultural relations.