It’s possible that after the initial honeymoon period, you might start to feel like a stranger in your own home and experience apprehension or frustration. Your children might also react to all the attention the newcomer will receive and their lack of privacy when they share a room for the first time. In some families, these situations aren’t very bothersome, while others will experience these changes as major. To address feelings of irritation, start by becoming aware of your family routines, which have become so automatic that they often go unnoticed, and explain them to the newcomer. Then, with the participation of your other children, establish a new routine that meets everyone’s needs. Once everyone is on board, the frustrations should gradually subside. If your children continue to feel apprehensive about the newcomer, explain to them that their feelings are normal, but are probably related to the phenomenon of change and not to the person as such.
The stages of a student’s adaptation during an intercultural exchange. These stages can vary from one student to another. Excerpt from “The Exchange Student Survival Kit” (B. Hansel, Intercultural Press 2007).
Based on observations made over several years, a consistency has been noted in the adaptation stages of each student participating in an AFS program. The AFS student adaptation cycle can vary from one individual to another, but it generally unfolds as follows:
The adjustment
At this stage, it’s about adapting family routines to the newcomer. As a family unit, you’ve had years to adjust to each other and learn your preferences and habits. The young stranger, on the other hand, suddenly arrives with their own baggage of experiences, expectations, and habits, so it’s normal that once the excitement of the first few weeks has faded, some irritations will resurface.
The disruption of family routines
You start to notice the imperfections
Before the young student arrives, the host family often tends to idealize them, believing they will be one of those gifted children, or a young person who can adapt quickly to anything, who won’t have any unpleasant habits, or that they will be the big brother or sister your children have always wanted. In any case, you are likely to be disappointed when you realize that they are indeed a teenager like any other, with their own strengths and weaknesses. If you feel disappointed by the young person, remember that your expectations may have been unrealistic.
Set realistic goals
Reconsider your goals in inviting a young person into your family. If it was to strengthen your relationship, to give your daughter a friend, to get more help with childcare, or to instill your ideas about democracy or atheism, you risk not achieving your goals. Here are some realistic objectives:
- Share your lifestyle;
- Learn more about your own culture and a foreign culture;
- Develop a friendship with someone from another culture;
- Expose your children to cultural diversity so they become more adept in the age of globalization.
The relationship deepens
Now that you’ve clarified what you hope to achieve through this hosting experience, you need to redouble your efforts to make your lifestyle understandable to the student. In a family, lifestyle is often defined by house rules…
House rules
In addition to the rules you’ve already explained to the student regarding daily tasks, there are a whole host of unspoken expectations that you might not be aware of, but which influence your perception of the young person. These “unspoken” expectations include: how you express appreciation, how you express disagreement, what being “on time” means to you, when it’s appropriate to invite friends over and where it’s acceptable to spend time with them (the living room, the bedroom?), the meaning of a locked bedroom door (anger, rest, reflection), and finally, hygiene and etiquette in the bathroom.
Instead, explain why you’ve established these rules and what they mean for you. It’s much easier to follow rules when you understand the reasoning behind them. This will also help the young person identify new aspects of your culture and values.
Don’t underestimate the importance of these minor misunderstandings! They are ideal opportunities to learn a little more about the culture.
Let’s talk about the real things...
- Take the time to listen to what your child has to say.
- Tell them clearly that you accept them and that their presence is appreciated. We often take these small gestures for granted, but they make all the difference to a young person who is far from their loved ones.
- Explain to your student that you simply want them to explore new things and participate in family life without having to compromise their own values.
- Talk about the feeling of obligation: sometimes students feel guilty knowing that their host family receives no compensation and believe they have to “repay” them by never being in a bad mood, never complaining, and always putting others before themselves.
The culture shock
One of the most difficult stages for most AFS participants is culture shock, where they realize that their host country isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and that there are still many things they don’t understand… But it’s also a pivotal stage: if it’s handled well by the host family with empathy and tolerance, it will be a very enriching learning experience. But first, let’s examine the characteristics of culture shock:
Identity problems
In his home country, the young man knows very well who he is and what his place is in his community. However, abroad, he no longer knows exactly how to act, and his actions provoke unexpected reactions. He doesn’t laugh at the right time, is sometimes too extroverted, sometimes not extroverted enough. In short, he doesn’t feel competent as a teenager: he, who knew how to be a good friend and a good kid in his home country, sees that his efforts are not achieving the expected results in his adopted country.
Atypical behavior
Host parents sometimes feel that the young person who was so enthusiastic and charming upon arrival has been replaced… Indeed, culture shock is a stressful experience and can cause certain changes in the young person’s behavior, who will tend to react more quickly, make irrational judgments, or withdraw to their room for extended periods.
Anger
When confused and frustrated, students sometimes look for the source of the problem and tend to find it close to home: their family and host country! What seemed so beautiful to them upon arrival takes on a different color and becomes the target of their resentment.
Boredom
They left behind everything they knew! Never forget that. They spend almost a year without hugs from their family and friends, without anyone who truly understands them.
The recovery
Yes, if you offer an empathetic ear and follow these tips, the situation will improve!
Tips to Promote Recovery
- Discuss the culture shock and how the student is feeling.
- Encourage opportunities for the student to meet and socialize with peers.
Allow them to have moments of solitude or be in a bad mood without judgment when you feel they need it. Some days are better than others for having a deep conversation. - Be prepared to hear judgments directed at you, understanding that these are not meant for you personally, but rather are indicators of cultural differences that haven’t yet been understood.
- Don’t give ultimatums, as this will only exacerbate feelings of frustration and mistrust towards you and won’t lead to conflict resolution.
Encourage them to rest and let them sleep.
The holiday season
The holiday season often arrives just as students are beginning to recover from the effects of culture shock. We all know this time of year can be especially challenging for those with anxiety, and host students are no exception.
They will likely miss their family and friends and be particularly aware of their “outsider” status in the host family. Even those who haven’t experienced significant culture shock tend to feel more nostalgic. That said, many young people have a wonderful time in their host family. Here are a few tips to help them make the most of their experience:
Plan ahead – Include the student in your celebrations while also helping them connect with their birth family’s traditions. For example, you could help them mail their packages and greeting cards in time for the holidays, ask them to prepare a dish typical of their region for one of your gatherings, and finally, help them find the right moment to call home and wish them a happy new year.
Don’t overcomplicate things – some families put so much effort into creating the perfect holiday period for the student that they end up putting too much pressure on themselves. Celebrate as you always have: the student came to experience Canadian culture as it is today, not as we would like it to be!
Intercultural learning
The student will begin learning about their host culture upon arrival, but true cultural awareness is often delayed due to the culture shock that temporarily muddies the waters. It is at this stage that the host experience truly comes into its own and becomes genuinely enjoyable. A deep friendship develops between the family members and the student, allowing for more harmonious and empathetic interactions.
However, it is not guaranteed that all participants will reach this stage during their stay. Sometimes, real learning will only occur a few years later when another experience sparks reflection and sheds light on what was experienced. But whatever happens, know that you will certainly have played an important role in the young person’s development, and they will surely have contributed to yours!
The last few weeks
A feeling of sadness mixed with fear arises as the end of the year approaches (a profound adjustment and apprehension about returning home). At this point, the student realizes how much they have changed and how attached they are to the people around them; they feel guilty for not wanting to go home.
Upon returning to their host family, or shortly thereafter, they experience another shock: the realization of who they were when they left and who they have become. They feel somewhat alone because they are still immersed in their AFS experience, and the people around them don’t show much interest. At this stage, they realize that their understanding of both cultures has evolved, and they then begin the process of readjusting to their culture of origin.